A really long welcome to my life and summary of my first week of working towards a better me.

 Hello!

So this blog is just a place for me to keep track of the emotional side of my weight loss journey, and for others to find support who are on the same pathway of discovery and healing, whether in line with losing weight or just in general. 

My current weight at the start of the journey (this time around) is 261.8lbs (118.75kg). 

I am around 5ft 5 and to get into the 'normal' BMI range as advised by the NHS, I would need to be around 150lb (68kg) at the maximum. This means I need to drop around 43% of my body weight.

It feels like an impossible task and I've actually been trying for about 8 years to get back to the better version of myself. 

However... this time is different. I'm sick of doing the same thing and failing, so I'm going with a different plan now and maybe it will give me a better outcome. This time I have employed a personal trainer to come up with my workout plans and keep me accountable. We start officially on Monday but this week we have been working on hitting at least 7k steps per day which is quite a jump up from the 1k I have tended to do each day. 

I'll be honest, the task of 7000 steps a day sounds easy right? Most people far surpass that every day. For me though it has been tough both mentally and physically. I'm not used to moving my body and finding the time away from my desk job to actually walk around. I run my own business and am always overwhelmed by the amount of work I have to do so really feel pressure to work for my business and as a result, my own health gets shoved to the side. 

There are a few reasons that now seems to be the right time though: 

1. I am desperate to have a baby but I suffer from amenorrhea meaning that I'm not ovulating, and the doctors all seem to put it down to my weight despite the fact the situation was the same when I was within a 'normal' weight range. I know I won't be taken seriously though unless this is no longer an excuse as an underlying cause.

2. My mental health is drastically suffering. My anxiety around my health is making me utterly miserable, and also avoidant of social situations, including impacting my ability to be the best at my job that I could be. 

3. I have just bought a house with my partner after living with my Dad and I now have the mental space to try and make changes to better my life

4. I feel I am ready and in a place to focus enough on me to implement changes, and am now adult enough to seek external help and not rebel against every suggestion or instruction given to me to try and put me onto better paths. 

5. My business and financial situation are the most stable they've been since I started working for myself, and I feel that I can find time to release the reins a little and find a better, more focused path for myself. In turn, I am hoping that because my energy will be better and I will be healthier I will ultimately be more productive at work. 

This week the challenges have been: 

1. Just getting started and making that first step of seeking help with getting on track. I found it embarrassing to have to explain how lazy I've been and the damage I've done to my body by not taking care of myself. Also, although mental health is a less taboo subject these days, it is still difficult to be upfront with people and explain what I am coping with. 

2. Cutting out added sugar... I just miss it. 

3. Not binge eating when I've felt sad or tired... see point 4...

4. Having an emotional breakdown after a walk because of the anxiety I have around exercising... 

Day 2 was great but terrible - I did a simple workout in the morning as planned and felt really good about it. Then I went for a walk to vote in the #GennyLec. The sun was shining, I'd managed to leave the house and get there but it was on the way home that the trouble started. I began to feel panicked as my heart rate rose and it all spiralled from there. By the time I got home, I was in a full panic attack and cried for a full 3 hours. I think something about moving my body had triggered my underlying traumas to surface and burying them down for so long came back to kick me down big time! 
In my devastation, ALL I wanted and needed was to eat anything sugary in the house, but I also really didn't want to because I wanted to succeed this time around. 
I ended up messaging my PT to ask for suggestions of what I could eat or do to stop the binge and they messaged back super quick which was helpful with all the reasons I shouldn't binge, and how much worse I would feel after. I managed to pull myself together eventually without binge eating and instead had water and some fruit. 

5. The anxiety around the above situation and the fact that I reached out to my PT for help. I'm not sure that's what they're for and feel stressed that I'm asking too much of them. They probably hate me and I'm a terrible client so they will sack me. 

6. I'm worried that I will always have issues around food. Today is day 3 and because I can't binge eat and still feel exhausted and sad, I haven't eaten all day... it's like I either need the pain of hunger or overeating to keep me emotionally in check. I wonder if it's because the physical pain supersedes the emotional. 

What went well this week: 

1. During my emotional meltdown on day 2 I actually managed NOT to binge eat my feelings. 

2. I actually started and despite the challenges still feel positive and excited for the future version of me. 

3. My emotional meltdown meant that I had to reflect on the trauma I've suffered and never dealt with which in turn has pushed me to sign up for NHS counselling to complement the PT plan for the best chance of a healthy body and healthy mind. 

4. My PT always seems to have faith in me that I can do what they ask of me. Although I know that's what they're paid for, it's nice to have that extra boost so I am glad I've taken the plunge. Plus, I find things so much easier if someone just takes the decisions out of my hands and I just follow instructions, so I feel confident I can be guided to make better choices. 

5. Another thing I've learned from a few days working with a PT who focuses on a 'one day at a time' approach, is that only focusing on today actually makes things soooo much easier of a task to achieve. It doesn't have to be the huge task of losing 110lbs, we're just focusing on moving and eating healthier for the day. 

Anyway... I will try and check in at the end of each week and see how things go... Just one day at a time. 

CW: 261.8lb